I leave letters in tissues and napkins, in notebooks and scratch papers, hoping that maybe it’ll reach you with all my profound writings and mushy sentiments, all written down with ink that serves as the soul and heart of this being.
I weave these emotions with the alphabet, carefully mixed and matched to reach my heart to yours, hoping that in the process, it’ll be the reason of you understanding this love of mine.
And in the same process, I’m hoping that your love is not blind, but also not deaf; to hear this beating heart of mine, hoping to find yours beating, too.
If he tries to pass your scars off as paper cuts.
To make your wounds softer.
If his words are nothing but salt and lemon juice.
When he is nothing but abrasion and sting
and his lips sandpaper. It is not love.
He has just discovered the satisfaction
of smoothing out his insecurities in someone else’s skin
I’ve been writing these kinds of letters on my blog and I guess I should start again. It feels like a different me every single time I wake up and when I go over the internet. I guess it’s the blogger me, but who gives a shit, right? And I’m not here to talk about those things anyway.
Have you ever had that feeling where you just have this ridiculous smile on your face? It’s crazy how some things can make you do that. Sometimes, I don’t even know how it starts, because all I know is that I’m okay. For the last eighteen years of my life and the three years of stay in college, life has taught me a lot of things. For instance maybe, is to be independent. It’s like feeling the cold-warm breeze of a summers day on a wide field, just letting it brush past you, letting your skin feel its soft, yet harsh kisses all at the same time. I get that feeling a lot when I’m just with my pen and notebook, friend, and sometimes, even when I’m on my blog, too. It’s like it’s a different you. It’s not the person you know.
And you know that guy I met last October and became my lover come December? Yeah, he’s awesome. He gives me those feelings that I thought I never had, or maybe have at least forgotten. Every day, he makes sure to make me smile and never fails to do it. He leaves me feeling afloat with all the wonders that I think I know or maybe I don’t whenever he kisses me, and safe and warm and protected whenever he embraces me and locks me in his arms. I once wrote something before about a guy I met last August who I thought was something and ended things the same month I met this guy. To me back then, he was like my favorite coffee, my favorite brand of cigar; the sun to my mornings and the moon and stars to my nights. He was everything I wanted and loved at that time, but things have changed from that.
You see, all those things… he’s… he’s that guy. He’s my favorite coffee, the one I always get at some coffee shop or the usual three-in-one I get from the grocery. No matter how pricey or cheap that drink may be, it’s still my favorite, and nothing else in this world can ever change that. The favorite brand of cigar; he’s that, too. He’s like the first stick I have every morning together with my coffee. He’s the smoke that I breathe in together with all the wrong things that my body shouldn’t have and the also the smoke that I breathe out once I’m done. He’s the moon that reminds me of the beauty of silence and also the sun that keeps me warm in the coldest of times. Before, I thought it was the guy I met a few months back who I’ve given a piece of me, but I guess this time I can say, that this is a different kind of love.
He’s my favorite wakeup call whenever he knocks and calls my name; my favorite shade of brown whenever I get lost in his eyes; the favorite drum roll as I listen to the beating of his heart and the favorite warmth that reminds me that he’s there; that he won’t leave.
Friend, I know it’s been a long time since I’ve written to you and I have no excuse for that. But I just want to let you know that I’m happy. My days, no matter how bad, are always good just knowing that he’s there. He’s everything and nothing that I have ever wanted and have had. He’s the one I never thought I’d meet, but… but I guess God and life has a different plan for me – for us.
Talk to you soon.
And though the world is cold
You are always warm.
With the hardest of arms,
But softest of all embraces
Only and always –
For me –
and I for you.
I’d willingly smile
to melt your worries away,
and kiss the small creases, too
of the imperfections you hate.
And though of small space
I know this heart has,
'tis may not be brand new,
but it’s the one I have.
In this heart are
kinder walls, ready to
protect you and keep those
So I hope you’d smile back
and accept this little offer,
to stay in this heart
and be your new shelter.